I usually avoid groups of people.
It’s exhausting trying to figure people out. Constantly wondering:
“what did s/he mean by saying that?”
“What is the proper response to that?”
“Does that mean s/he likes me?”
You can see my dilemma.
Yet when Lockdown was announced it felt like an infringement against my basic human rights. All of a sudden I missed being part of a community. I disliked seeing the shops closed and the usual faces sitting smoking outside the city cafes and restaurants. It was a confusing feeling.
As I do, I sat with it for a while. Nothing is straight forward, there’s always a lot of figuring out to do. I realised it’s good to be around people. Like trees are a community, or birds or flowers, we thrive amongst community. Being with other people helps to clarify our place in the world. We are energetic beings. Our sense of Self reaches out and bounces off others.
How we manage being with other people is around BOUNDARIES. These can be solid.
Or translucent like: “Oh Maybe?”
Even “Don’t do that” is not strong enough. It needs a “No” before it.
With boundaries in place and with a good sense of ‘Self’, being around people is healthy.
Even though I don’t go out socialising in pubs or nightclubs, even though I don’t have specific friendship groups or clubs;
bottom line is … I miss people.
I miss the familiarity of being uncomfortable. Of avoiding those people that seem to walk directly towards me, just to bump into me. It’s become part of my routine, my life. I can’t wait for life to return to normal. For the uncomfortable hugs and overwhelming sensory overloads. Now I feel I’m being forced to separate from people, when all my life I’ve been trying to connect. So in the meantime I exist.
Watching the news, trying NOT to watch the news. Tapping into the collective suffering of Humanity as we transcend into a new awakening. Wow it like birthing a baby elephant!
All that goes through my head in a continuous mantra is WTF!
“om mani padme hum” would be more beneficial.
The Sun came out for a while.
Everything seemed bright and warm and held promise.
Even the corners were less grey.
Overcast came rolling in, pulling with it a grey veil across my everything.
The corners in my isolation seemed even darker, the clouds dropping doubt along the way.
I was left struggling to hold onto the sun,
Then the Sun came out today
and shone so bright
He settled in my heart.
~ Kathryn Barenskie
#lockdown #Autistic #Depression #Isolation #Connection # Love