Holding Authentic

Walks in Armagh Palace Stables 2020 May

What’s it take to hold authentic in this world today? My daughter and I went to the shops. I met an acquaintance there, a woman who I knew had been actively suicidal a few years back. She was so unhappy with her life, her marriage, her lot as it were. That time I worked with her and helped her see through the darkness. Not magic, it was the training I had and the experience life had afforded me, a dark gift 💝 which gave me insight into other peoples pain.

She greeted me like an old friend. Her face lit up. Then she looked into my eyes and seen something there. It sparked something deep inside her and the smile faded and she said, “I’m so depressed.”
I held her gaze and remained present. Stayed solid and real. No pretence, no games, nothing to hide and nothing to defend.
The words kept tumbling from her. She was saying she had a 50th birthday coming up soon and a holiday. The more I remained authentic, the less authentic she became. Now she was telling me of her friends, her bingo nights, coffee days, nights drinking, her boyfriend, his heavy drinking, smoking. Then it was…

“What do you do?” “Do you go out at all?” “Do you have any friends?”

“Do you have a boyfriend?” 😎😜
“I’ve a dog”. 🙈

It was truly amazing how quickly the conversation turned around. I was in awe of the whole wonderful process. And I felt a deep compassion for her. How unhappy she must be. Trying to fit in with everyones idea of what happiness is. Not having the opportunity or even knowing what makes her happy. She was so uncomfortable with my way of being me. Outside of the therapeutic process, she couldn’t be with an authentic person without feeling challenged.

I’m writing about this because in my younger years I would have been the one feeling uncomfortable and weirded out. I would have beaten myself up thinking 🤔 oh why don’t I like getting drunk or bingo? Why am I not like everyone else?

Now I’m in the peaceful middle place of “I’m good enough. I’m doing my best. I’m doing what makes me happy. I have enough. I love. I deserve love. I am loved.”
Unauthentic people don’t like that.

Buttercups Armagh May 2020

“Holding Authentic

When there’s not a fuck to give
Always there’s the choice,
The way to live.
Who is She today, what is She prepared to give of herself in order to live authentically?

Today She is prepared to give up that fear that commands life’s decisions.
Because When fear is at the root of life’s decisions it will always end badly and cause devisions of spirit.

She sees that now.

Look back, that’s how She learned from past mistakes.
Never to repeat those bad choices ending in collision with happiness.
That ‘safe’ relationship:
Safe in: food, heat, bills paid.
Safe in: “look at me with a man, a house, a car, a job!”

Ahhh yet most unsafe!

Lost out in tenderness, caring, love.
Her soul being slowly sucked out until her body started dying.
Lost out in her children knowing: shadow living, shallow loving, their silent spirits crying.
Fear drove that decision for her to go there with that one!

If only she’d known…


Always there’s a choice
In the way to live.
Always there’s ONE fuck to give.
So Who is She today?
How is She different?
Her difference is in her strength, because NOW She makes her choices, not out of fear, but out of love… She follows her heart.”

~ Kathy Barenskie

#heart #authentic #living #real #alone #happiness #love #loveyourself #empath #poem #poetry #poembyme

Published by myinbetweenworld

“Mellow and flowing, a river gently meandering through a fresh green leafy glade. Touching into spirit and knowing. I’m going into Heart and accepting the shadow”. © Kathy Barenskie 2019

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